Forgiveness

"If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others? "
Dolores Huerta


The end of a frantic week with lots of achievements and lots of setbacks. One interesting episode was when I was stuck in traffic for just under six hours trying to get to work on Thursday. I went through the usual gamut of emotions - mild irritation, increasing concern, growing anger, absolute fury and finally hysterical laughter before taking calm constructive action. But looking back, I wonder if that whole rollercoaster was really necesary. Would a little forgiveness early on have avoided the whole drama?

Fortunately, I reached the calm constructive action phase after less than two hours, so it turned out to be a useful trip. I made numerous phone calls (handsfree of course, not that it would have made any practical difference when the car was mostly stationary), I solved several technical and management problems, I rehearsed several presentations and conversations, did some mental gym exercises, listened to some educational CDs, did some finger control exercises (for a drummer) and listened to some interesting discussions on the radio. Quite a useful trip, really.

Well, how did that calm and constructive phase arise? Was it simply the inevitable next destination of the emotional rollercoaster? Perhaps, but could it actually be a form of forgiveness? Does forgiveness really have to be about agreeing to let someone off the hook (emotionally) for a wrong-doing? Or is it simply a question of seeing beyond, overlooking (consciously) or simply letting go? Is it the act of changing your perception to see things as they are now, rather than as burdened with the past? I changed my perception of the situation to see it as an opportunity to accomplish much, an oasis of personal time that I rarely get, a situation where I could even talk to myself aloud and not be sectioned, a gift of time...And yet, moments before I had seen the situation very differently - missed meetings, wasted time, hours of traffic ahead, bursting bladder...

I see forgiveness as very strongly linked with presence. My first reaction when I have a forgiveness opportunity (i.e. I think that something or someone has inconvenienced of offended me) is to get present, quickly. Sometimes I catch it in time, sometimes I don't (and the rollercoaster hurtles off!). The point is, offence is in the past. Indeed, problems are in the past (stem from your thinking and opinions). It is difficult for problems to exist in the now, events can occur in the now but problems require thought which is based on the past.

I find this approach to forgiveness - getting present and changing my perception - more effective for me than the traditional form, which upholds the grievance but temporarily releases the perpetrator. However, whichever method we choose, the key is that forgiveness leads to freedom - freedom from the pain of resentment, freedom from the tension of holding grievances, freedom from the apathy of victimhood, freedom from the shackles of guilt ...

For the key to forgiving others lies with forgiving ourselves. We deny certain aspects of ourselves and project these out onto other people. And when these people reflect these aspects back onto us, we often react with particular anger and indignation - an unwelcome old face is being presented at our door. A challenging exercise is to recognise in someone who has presented you with a forgiveness opportunity, a chance to forgive yourself first. It will not be easy, indeed it may seem ridiculous, but therein lies the liberty of love itself...


"Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives. "
Lawana Blackwell, The Dowry of Miss Lydia Clark, 1999

"Life is an adventure in forgiveness. "
Norman CousinsUS editor & essayist (1915 - 1990)

"It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on. "
Real Live Preacher, RealLivePreacher.com Weblog, July 7, 2003, Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. "
William Blake, English engraver, illustrator, & poet (1757 - 1827)