"If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others? "
Dolores Huerta
The end of a frantic week with lots of achievements and lots of setbacks. One interesting episode was when I was stuck in traffic for just under six hours trying to get to work on Thursday. I went through the usual gamut of emotions - mild irritation, increasing concern, growing anger, absolute fury and finally hysterical laughter before taking calm constructive action. But looking back, I wonder if that whole rollercoaster was really necesary. Would a little forgiveness early on have avoided the whole drama?
Fortunately, I reached the calm constructive action phase after less than two hours, so it turned out to be a useful trip. I made numerous phone calls (handsfree of course, not that it would have made any practical difference when the car was mostly stationary), I solved several technical and management problems, I rehearsed several presentations and conversations, did some mental gym exercises, listened to some educational CDs, did some finger control exercises (for a drummer) and listened to some interesting discussions on the radio. Quite a useful trip, really.
Well, how did that calm and constructive phase arise? Was it simply the inevitable next destination of the emotional rollercoaster? Perhaps, but could it actually be a form of forgiveness? Does forgiveness really have to be about agreeing to let someone off the hook (emotionally) for a wrong-doing? Or is it simply a question of seeing beyond, overlooking (consciously) or simply letting go? Is it the act of changing your perception to see things as they are now, rather than as burdened with the past? I changed my perception of the situation to see it as an opportunity to accomplish much, an oasis of personal time that I rarely get, a situation where I could even talk to myself aloud and not be sectioned, a gift of time...And yet, moments before I had seen the situation very differently - missed meetings, wasted time, hours of traffic ahead, bursting bladder...
I see forgiveness as very strongly linked with presence. My first reaction when I have a forgiveness opportunity (i.e. I think that something or someone has inconvenienced of offended me) is to get present, quickly. Sometimes I catch it in time, sometimes I don't (and the rollercoaster hurtles off!). The point is, offence is in the past. Indeed, problems are in the past (stem from your thinking and opinions). It is difficult for problems to exist in the now, events can occur in the now but problems require thought which is based on the past.
I find this approach to forgiveness - getting present and changing my perception - more effective for me than the traditional form, which upholds the grievance but temporarily releases the perpetrator. However, whichever method we choose, the key is that forgiveness leads to freedom - freedom from the pain of resentment, freedom from the tension of holding grievances, freedom from the apathy of victimhood, freedom from the shackles of guilt ...
For the key to forgiving others lies with forgiving ourselves. We deny certain aspects of ourselves and project these out onto other people. And when these people reflect these aspects back onto us, we often react with particular anger and indignation - an unwelcome old face is being presented at our door. A challenging exercise is to recognise in someone who has presented you with a forgiveness opportunity, a chance to forgive yourself first. It will not be easy, indeed it may seem ridiculous, but therein lies the liberty of love itself...
"Forgiveness is almost a selfish act because of its immense benefits to the one who forgives. "
Lawana Blackwell, The Dowry of Miss Lydia Clark, 1999
"Life is an adventure in forgiveness. "
Norman CousinsUS editor & essayist (1915 - 1990)
"It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on. "
Real Live Preacher, RealLivePreacher.com Weblog, July 7, 2003, Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. "
William Blake, English engraver, illustrator, & poet (1757 - 1827)
Friday 25 January 2008
Saturday 19 January 2008
Fear
"Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom. "
Bertrand Russell, Unpopular Essays (1950), "Outline of Intellectual Rubbish"British author, mathematician, & philosopher (1872 - 1970)
A fine morning with my son blasting through his jigsaw puzzle with much more vigour and precision than he (and his parents!) had managed last night. It strikes me as I watch him approach tasks that the absence of fear can be so liberating and empowering. Some fear can be useful, indeed essential for self-preservation especially where there is clear physical danger involved - one might argue that this is not fear but instinct, but let's call it fear. I suspect that the vast majority of fear that we feel is probably unnecessary and destructive.
How do we get to the heart of the matter simply and quickly? What if we focus on the result of the fear? What happens to the fearful person? Do they take right action? Do they take wrong action? Or do they take no action? I think these three responses to fear stem from the nature of the fear itself and ultimately from the history of fear in the person. Let's start with the fear that leads to right action. I am about to be hit by a car and I jump out of the way. Or a gunman is approaching me and I take evasive action. First question. Am I right to be afraid? Second question. Is my response appropriate?
Let's now move to a more sinister form of fear, one that is increasingly familiar in recent history. There is propaganda about a certain group of people in society - "they are out to get us, they want to destroy us all , they do this, they do that, they believe this ...". This leads to fearful beliefs and ultimately to violence and cruelty in the name of "self-preservation" - "we had to get them before they got us", "the end justifies the means". An example of wrong action?
Finally, how about the most common form - the fear that leads to no action, the fear that paralyses us and holds us back in our lives. We procrastinate, resist, "plan", "analyse" etc. But we don't actually take the required ACTION. We freeze before an exam, a performance, an important conversation, an opportunity to become involved in a key venture. We shrink from the light...
I have found that one useful approach to dealing with fear is to become very aware of it, to actually observe yourself and acknowledge the fear explicitly. You become very present and often will find that the fear immediately subsides under the glare of your attention. It seems like it can only thrive in darkness and obscurity, not when it is being watched and perhaps even savoured, like an exotic specimen of wildlife being filmed...
"I've grown certain that the root of all fear is that we've been forced to deny who we are. "
Frances Moore Lappe, O Magazine, May 2004
"Let the fear of danger be a spur to prevent it; he that fears not, gives advantage to the danger."
Francis QuarlesEnglish poet (1592 - 1644)
"Fear is the tax that conscience pays to guilt. "
George Sewell
"Feel the fear and do it anyway. "
Susan Jeffers, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, 1988
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson, "Our greatest fear" from her book 'A return to love'
Bertrand Russell, Unpopular Essays (1950), "Outline of Intellectual Rubbish"British author, mathematician, & philosopher (1872 - 1970)
A fine morning with my son blasting through his jigsaw puzzle with much more vigour and precision than he (and his parents!) had managed last night. It strikes me as I watch him approach tasks that the absence of fear can be so liberating and empowering. Some fear can be useful, indeed essential for self-preservation especially where there is clear physical danger involved - one might argue that this is not fear but instinct, but let's call it fear. I suspect that the vast majority of fear that we feel is probably unnecessary and destructive.
How do we get to the heart of the matter simply and quickly? What if we focus on the result of the fear? What happens to the fearful person? Do they take right action? Do they take wrong action? Or do they take no action? I think these three responses to fear stem from the nature of the fear itself and ultimately from the history of fear in the person. Let's start with the fear that leads to right action. I am about to be hit by a car and I jump out of the way. Or a gunman is approaching me and I take evasive action. First question. Am I right to be afraid? Second question. Is my response appropriate?
Let's now move to a more sinister form of fear, one that is increasingly familiar in recent history. There is propaganda about a certain group of people in society - "they are out to get us, they want to destroy us all , they do this, they do that, they believe this ...". This leads to fearful beliefs and ultimately to violence and cruelty in the name of "self-preservation" - "we had to get them before they got us", "the end justifies the means". An example of wrong action?
Finally, how about the most common form - the fear that leads to no action, the fear that paralyses us and holds us back in our lives. We procrastinate, resist, "plan", "analyse" etc. But we don't actually take the required ACTION. We freeze before an exam, a performance, an important conversation, an opportunity to become involved in a key venture. We shrink from the light...
I have found that one useful approach to dealing with fear is to become very aware of it, to actually observe yourself and acknowledge the fear explicitly. You become very present and often will find that the fear immediately subsides under the glare of your attention. It seems like it can only thrive in darkness and obscurity, not when it is being watched and perhaps even savoured, like an exotic specimen of wildlife being filmed...
"I've grown certain that the root of all fear is that we've been forced to deny who we are. "
Frances Moore Lappe, O Magazine, May 2004
"Let the fear of danger be a spur to prevent it; he that fears not, gives advantage to the danger."
Francis QuarlesEnglish poet (1592 - 1644)
"Fear is the tax that conscience pays to guilt. "
George Sewell
"Feel the fear and do it anyway. "
Susan Jeffers, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, 1988
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of god. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Marianne Williamson, "Our greatest fear" from her book 'A return to love'
Wednesday 9 January 2008
Faith
"I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. "
Wilson Mizner, US screenwriter (1876 - 1933)
Started the new year with a bang and renewed vigour for the ever-growing challenges. The new year is a time for celebration but also for reflection and, over a week into it, the idea of faith is one to consider.
To the extent that faith provides confidence and hope, it has value. The phrase "things will get better" borrows a little faith to get one through testing times. But what about faith that anchors one's perceptions and views of what is? Or what about faith that effectively informs or dictates an opinion on a subject? Is there a spectrum from confidence to dogma? And to the extent that we bring faith into issues of knowledge or understanding rather than situations or challenges, are we straying into the spectrum of lower value? Is there not some value in having doubt in the information or knowledge realm, where this doubt triggers further enquiry and debate and ultimately increases the accuracy and understanding of the information or knowledge?
I guess what Wilson Misner is getting at is that faith makes you feel better, but doubt makes you learn more...
Wilson Mizner, US screenwriter (1876 - 1933)
Started the new year with a bang and renewed vigour for the ever-growing challenges. The new year is a time for celebration but also for reflection and, over a week into it, the idea of faith is one to consider.
To the extent that faith provides confidence and hope, it has value. The phrase "things will get better" borrows a little faith to get one through testing times. But what about faith that anchors one's perceptions and views of what is? Or what about faith that effectively informs or dictates an opinion on a subject? Is there a spectrum from confidence to dogma? And to the extent that we bring faith into issues of knowledge or understanding rather than situations or challenges, are we straying into the spectrum of lower value? Is there not some value in having doubt in the information or knowledge realm, where this doubt triggers further enquiry and debate and ultimately increases the accuracy and understanding of the information or knowledge?
I guess what Wilson Misner is getting at is that faith makes you feel better, but doubt makes you learn more...
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